I've been thinking...actually I've been obsessing about wearing men's shorts. Everyday I wake up and try to figure out what skirt matches with what shirt and which tights and I can't stand it. I love those Abercrombie shorts for men. I want those. Not the ones for girls. But a MAN'S GARMENT. That's right. Those. But if I wear the shorts, in the city, away from all the chassidish prying eyes, that means I'm fry right? I'll break shabbos next. That means I've messed up the last 4 years of suffering and sacrifice. For what... convenience? Not having to coordinate an outfit? But why did I become frum in the first place? Honestly, the journey seems like a bad dream. I was seduced by a rabbi and an unspoken promise..that If I became frum, all the shit would stop. I would be a better person, have a purpose in life, do what G-d wants, have a real family. But its been four years worth of keeping shabbos, keeping kosher, tznius, davening, chitas, a year in semimary, 10 trips to the Ohel, not shaking men's hands even though it embarrassed me, not listening to music during the Omer, the list goes on and on and on. But how do I feel? Empty, spiritually void, frustrated. Sometimes I yell at You. Why did you do this to me? You wanted me to be observant that badly? Why do I feel depressed and angry if I'm doing what You want? Shouldn't I feel complete and loved and whole and special?It's funny how everything I've worked for the last few years comes down to the flick of the light switch, the choice of a restaurant. I've included the picture of the shorts for a small dose of humor.
Sheesh. That's a pretty powerful post. I'm a guy and I don't even wear shorts! But seriously, yeah, religion doesn't promise happiness. At least, it shouldn't. Meaning in life maybe. But not happiness.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us feel this on some level. It's almost/sorta what we make for ourselves. Most of us just try and ignore that little voice...
ReplyDeletei wonder sometimes if all those shluchim, or people like the girls i went to sem with, those people who seem to be religous and chassidish so easily, have experiences like these. like what you're going through or what i'm going through. and if they don't, what does that mean? why do some of us have such a hard time getting it to work??
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough situation to be in. It's hard to think that the last four years have been a waste, or that you may be doing everything wrong.
ReplyDeleteI cannot relate completely to how you feel because I was born into this live. I've experience feeling alone and empty and frustrated with life in general, but I don't think it is because I am religious. Sometimes, we work hard toward a goal. The problem with reaching that goal is that there is no longer a purpose to continue. Maybe we need to set new goals, reach new heights, move on to another level in life?
cherrio-that's why i posted this, to see if anyone feels this way. if they do, i know i'm not alone and to just hold on to as much as possible.
ReplyDeletec- my new goal is buying the shorts :) and wearing them inside the house. sarahbonne is in for a treat.
Been wondering all day what to comment here, what I'm left with is;
ReplyDeleteWhat would Batman do?
batman would wear the shorts. he's just that cool.
ReplyDeleteBut he's already got that mad awesome black underwear on top of his leggings...
ReplyDeleteAnd why aren't you working? >:D
ReplyDeletehey
ReplyDeleteyes Ive been unhappy about religion before i say go ahead with the pants if you need to wear them, in the house for sure. Judaism is definitely not about not wearing the pants you love. Look for the love running at you with open arms-- a relationship with G-d a place where you care.
"Seduced by a rabbi and an unspoken promise." Yep, that's what it's about. I too was seduced by unspoken promises, not to become frum but to become super-chassidish.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes the promises don't work out. With a fundamentalist religion like ours, when things go wrong you can tell yourself that what you're doing is Right and True, so even if it's a pain in the butt, it's still worthwhile.
why are u doing it? you are right, sometimes the end is not worth the struggle. we hope that if we go through the struggle and get t he end it will be worth it. but its not always like that.
ReplyDeleteyes, all ppl feel this way once in a while. frustrated. want to break out of the box. wondering why we bother.
most ppl let out their frustrations, and move on, till the next time. thees no answer, no resolution. only peace of mind, if u are lucky enough to find it.
well i wanteed to wear something like this
ReplyDeletehttp://www.fancyworldonline.co.uk/product_thumb.php?img=images/DSC00199.JPG&w=104&h=125
in the winter that is - but didnt...partly becouse i thought people might think it femenine, but mainly becouse i never found one i really liked
i actually like this one
ReplyDeletehttp://us.st12.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/yhst-93500565727161_2045_5167751
but see a womans wearing it...
it's a hat! anyone can wear a hat..looks awesome.
ReplyDeleteDowy, you still had a pretty cool winter hat.
ReplyDeleteah you mean this one
ReplyDeletehttp://image01.shopzilla-images.com/resize?sq=140&uid=735352895
yes i do favour that style, but i still wanted the peryvian one...
The shorts can be worn with or without a baseball cap.
ReplyDeleteAlso, good luck. (there's a lot of meaning, warmth and empathy in those two words. Blogger's fault if you don't get em right)
after reading this, religion by its self isn't enough. Some people present it as if it is, but it isn't.
ReplyDeleteone needs A community, even if that means just finding a spouse who believes what you do and is as crazy as you are, and B Finding some goal to further, which can be as simple as being a good mother, or as complicated as trying to change the world, bit by bit of course.
Religion can give you ways to think about how to find a goal that makes you happy, or you could devote your goal to trying to change certain things about frum culture, make a campaign to try and fix something thats wrong. just becasue the big rabbis aren't fixing it doesn't mean that its not a problem( see sicha parshas pinchas, in chelek daled of lekutei sichot.)
(note, finding a goal and making a campaign about some issue may indeed find you a husband who believes as you do, as some shadchan listens to someone like you rant about it, and say "hey, mim rants about this too, and distributes pamphlets, etc. maybe i should make a match out of them!"
ReplyDeleteFYI, Mims is getting married in a few weeks.
ReplyDelete